


Monster

by pepperBubble



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:59:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4133313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperBubble/pseuds/pepperBubble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky thinks he's a monster, somebody should really tell him otherwise</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> In which Bucky remembers- kinda- who he is and has to go through the painful process of remembering exactly what he had done over the years from losing his identity as Bucky Barnes and being the Winter Soldier. 
> 
> I'm gonna go on a whim and say that this will probably get extremely cheesy at one point or another and I will most certainly not regret anything... enjoy!

Finally discovering who he really was, the worst part was remembering what he had done. 

All he could remember at first was being a Sergeant from from a war; in that time he was actually an ally of Captain America- someone he was later ordered to kill- and can remember actually talking to him, laughing with him, living like he was an ordinary human being. 

Most of what he was able to remember started like that, but then came the flashbacks of what he had to do under the control of HYDRA. All those nightmares of hearing the screams of his victims, begging him for mercy and he didn't even listen. His job was to get in, get out, and leave nobody behind, it's during these times which haunt Bucky the most. All those missions he was sent on, the people HYDRA had made him kill when they were no real threat to him, yet he was made to do it because he was just a puppet in a much bigger and crueler game. The man Bucky once was is nothing to what he is now and he was all too happy when agents from a newly reformed SHIELD finally found and took him in. 

It wasn't easy. Even in the confines of a high tech prison cell of a high tech organisation did his past come back to haunt him. The nightmares end up becoming more frequent, more graphic and it only ends when Bucky wakes in a cold sweat, absolutely terrified to go back sleep because he's afraid the victims of his past will keep coming back to haunt him all over again. 

Then there's Steve. Steve Rogers, the first person to come running and demanding to see Bucky after he had first been brought in. Steve Rogers who waited for Bucky's interrogations and medical checks to be over with just so he could catch even a glimpse of Bucky as he was taken from one block to another. When Bucky finally had a cell to himself, it was Steve who became one of his most frequent visitors and Bucky _hated_ it. He often remembers just how important this man was to him before he was taken by HYDRA, how much they both meant to each other and then Bucky threw it all in his face by tracking him down and almost killing him years later. He's heard the excuses, he's told it's not his fault yet he never listens to anything to he's told. He doesn't deserve any of the kindness or care that Steve is willing to give him, he is a monster and he just can't understand why anybody would ever try to treat him like he was a normal person, especially with the past he has had. 

 

 

"I heard you had another nightmare" 

Most of Steve's visits turned out to be disappointments. Sometimes he would get nods and shakes of Bucky's head, maybe even little grunts which showed that he at least acknowledged what Steve had said. Other times Bucky would just stare at him and say absolutely nothing. The whole time Steve was there he would do the talking and hope that Bucky would butt in and say something himself but he never would. That didn't deter Steve from seeing him, in fact he made it a point whenever he could to visit as often as he could in the hopes that- even if it was Bucky telling him to leave him alone- they would at least have some form of a conversation or another. 

"I always have nightmares. It's nothing new" 

Bucky doesn't miss how surprised Steve looks when he hears the reply. It almost makes Bucky want to smile or even laugh! Almost. 

"There are people here who you can talk to Buck, they're here to help you" 

The pause that follows makes Steve think that Bucky isn't going to speak again for the remainder of his visit. He's not that bothered, just the reply he got alone is significant progress from what he usually got on previous visits. If Bucky was not going to speak again, he was more than happy to leave it at that. 

"Why would people want to help me though?" Bucky asks eventually "Why would anybody want to help me? I can guarantee that most of the people who work for this place... I've nearly killed them at one point or another, maybe even killed a friend or family member of theirs or something" 

"Bucky none of that is your fault-"   
"But it is! All of it is my fault! I'm sick of hearing that it's not my fault, it's HYDRA's and that they forced me to do it... I was the one holding the gun, I was the one pulling the trigger. I'm the one who ended up with blood on my hands, not them! Why can't people understand that I'm the monster here? Why do they always have to try and sugarcoat it when we all know the truth?" 

It's the first time in a very long time that Bucky has felt this emotional. Even Steve can see it and all he wants is to comfort Bucky and tell him everything will be fine, but he knew himself that it was anything but fine for his friend at the moment. What was he meant to do? 

"Don't call yourself a monster. Never think of yourself as a monster. You don't want to hear that it was purely HYDRA who is at fault here, I get it, but you just can't go calling yourself a monster when I know that's not true" 

"Why do you care so much? I'm not the guy I was previously. I'm messed up, so confused about who I am and what my purpose is in life... I tried to kill you, and if I was you, I wouldn't start caring for somebody who tried to kill me on a number of occasions" 

If it wasn't for the cell doors separating the two of them, Steve wouldn't hesitate to walk over and pull Bucky in for a much needed hug. Even if Bucky protested and pushed him away, all Steve wanted to do was to hold him close and reassure him that there was nothing wrong with him, if only he could just get it into that head of his just how much he meant to Steve. 

"Well of course you're messed up; you fell from a train, lost an arm and was turned into a HYDRA killing machine with no memory of who he was previously. That was then, this is now. Whatever you may think you are, that's very different to how myself and others who are trying to work with you think you could become.

You're still getting flashbacks of the past so nothing is really clear to you right now. Believe me when I say this though; I care about you, a lot actually. All I want is for you to stay safe, to no longer feel guilty, to get back on your feet and have nobody control you for the rest of your life. It's going to be a long process I know, and you're likely to be very scared because you have no idea what's going to happen, but I'll be here with you, every step of the way. Let me help you, let the others here help you, I won't let another bad thing happen to you for the rest of your life. I can't promise it, but I'll try so damn hard to make sure. Please" 

If this wasn't a sure-fire way explanation of letting Bucky know what he meant to Steve, well then he had no idea what he could possibly do next to try and get him to really understand. Bucky had listened though and very slowly he gets up from his bed and walks over to the cell door, fitting the metal hand through a hole where his meals are sent through and leaves it there, waiting for Steve who very slowly gets up and walks over to the door himself and holds onto it. Bucky keeps his gaze to the floor, but the reassuring squeeze that he can feel is enough to ensure that Steve is going to keep his word, and that's enough for him. 

They stay like this until it's the end of Steve's visiting time... 

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing... except maybe my poor writing skills...


End file.
